Act One / Scene One:

The Battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter Ghost and Hamlet.

GHOST: Oi! Mush!

HAMLET: Yer?

GHOST: I was f--ked!

Exit Ghost.

HAMLET: O f--k!

Exit Hamlet.

Scene Two:

The Throneroom. Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, and court.

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!

HAMLET: F--k off, won't you?

Exit Claudius, Gertrude, and court.

HAMLET (alone): They could have f--king waited.

Enter Horatio.

HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha c--k!

HAMLET: Weeeey!

Exeunt.

Scene Three:

Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.

LAERTES: I'm f--king off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.

OPHELIA: I'll be f--ked if he does.

Exeunt.

Scene Four:

The Battlements. Enter Horatio, Hamlet, and Ghost.

GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

HAMLET: Who did it then?

GHOST: That @!#$ Claudius. He poured f--king poison in my f--king ear!

HAMLET: F--k me!

Exeunt.

Act Two / Scene One:

A corridor in the castle. Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.

POLONIUS: Oi! You!

HAMLET: F--k off, Grandad!

Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

ROS & GUIL: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

HAMLET: F--k off, the pair of you!

Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

HAMLET (Alone): To f--k or be f--ked.

Enter Ophelia.

OPHELIA: My Lord!

HAMLET: F--k off to a nunnery!

They exit in different directions.

ACT THREE / SCENE ONE:

The throne room. Enter players and all the court.

FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart....

CLAUDIUS: I'll be f--ked if I watch any more of this crap.

Exeunt.

SCENE TWO:

Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!

GERTRUDE: Watch your f--king mouth, kid!

POLONIUS (from behind the curtain): Too right.

HAMLET: Who the f--k was that?

He stabs Polonius through the arras.

POLONIUS: F--k!

HAMLET: F--k! I Thought it was that other @!#$.

Exeunt.

ACT FOUR / SCENE ONE:

Court Room.

CLAUDIUS: F--k off to England then!

HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

SCENE TWO:

Throneroom. Ophelia, Gertrude, and Claudius.

OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.

She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.

CLAUDIUS: She's f--king round the twist, in't she?

GERTRUDE (looks out window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.

GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and f--king drowned!

CLAUDIUS: F--k! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

Exeunt.

SCENE THREE.

A corridor.

LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to f--king do this lot!

Enter Claudius.

CLAUDIUS: I didn't f--king do it, mate. It was that @!#$ Hamlet.

LAERTES: Well, f--k him.

ACT FIVE / SCENE ONE:

Hamlet's Bedchamber. Hamlet and Horatio.

HAMLET: I get this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying f--k.

Exeunt.

SCENE TWO:

Large Hall. Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and court.

LAERTES: Oi, @!#$: let's get on with it!

HAMLET: Delighted, f--kface.

They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.

LAERTES: F--k!

HAMLET: F--k!

The Queen drinks.

GERTRUDE: F--king odd wine!

CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong f--king cup, you stupid cow!

HAMLET (Pouring poison down Claudius' throat) Well, f--k you!

CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely f--ked.

LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

HAMLET: Yer.

Laertes dies.

HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!

HORATIO: Yer?

HAMLET: I'm f--ked. The rest is f--king silence.

Hamlet dies.

HORATIO: F--k. That was no ordinary @!#$, you know.

Enter Fortinbras.

FORTINBRAS: What the f--k's going on here?

HORATIO: A f--king mess, that's for sure.

FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's f--ked.

HORATIO: Yer.

FORTINBRAS: F--king shame. F--king good bloke.

HORATIO: Too f--king right.

FORTINBRAS: F--k this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

Exeunt with alarums.

THE REAL THING OPENS FRIDAY MARCH 8

@ THE NEW FORTUNE ELIZABETHAN THEATRE, U.W.A.

(see the What's On page)

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